Unfulfilled.

I am doing nothing with my life. I hate my job, I hate that I can’t get a girlfriend, I hate that all I do is sit on the computer all the time and I hate that I’m too lazy and scared to try anything new. I have a fear of success, I really do I mean it scares the shit out of me to be good at anything. I just don’t want people to expect much of me. I just want to be left alone. I like being alone but of course with all my comforts like my dual monitors and high speed internet. I wish I had the balls to DO something. I know so many people who have gone to foreign countries on a whim, seen amazing things and moved out and have lives their lives you know? I’m scared to leave home. I’m scared to go out and try new things. New things can be dangerous, can be scary, can be unwelcoming so nope nope nope gotta stay in stasis. Gotta hide in my hole. I have nothing to offer this world and it saddens me. I wish I could actually just go out and fucking live and fucking have my own place and my own girlfriend and car and fucking DO SOMETHING. Now i’m getting angry. I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of always putting up a tough fucking front to always feel like I get fucking shit on all the time. “You’re cocky, you’re an asshole, you’re harsh” WELL MAYBE IM LIKE THAT BECAUSE I CANT FUCKING LIVE ANY OTHER WAY. I’m a fucking coward. I’m a sick, scared, broken little boy who is haunted by the same shit in his past he was always haunted by. I can’t deal with it like a fucking adult so what do I do? I break. I hide. I shut myself off with music and shows and video games and just stay away from people. I hate human contact. Not like talking to people but touching people freaks me out but I love my friends I just can’t fucking SHOW IT a lot of the time. I hate how I always feel sick, I hate how I always feel like my body is betraying me for my past mistakes. Why can’t I just be fucking happy? Why can’t I just live my fucking life? Why do I always have to have trouble breathing? eating? head spinning, feeling like i’m going to fucking pass out or throw up? Fuck this I deserve better. I’m trying to fucking better myself so why the fuck do I feel like I keep getting the short end of the fucking stick? I just want to be better.

I fucking hate how i’m always so fucking lost.

Lost down the fucking rabbit hole except my wonderland is a fucking labyrinth of failure and not believing in myself.

As usual just let my fingers do the talking. I don’t even think when I write this shit anymore. Also fuck editing.

Advertisements