Don’t ever forget who you are.

Who are you? Have you become complacent? I was guilty of that. I enjoyed acting like someone I wasn’t because people actually liked me more. I understand that there’s certain social faux pas that you don’t do or whatever but I basically turned into a different person. It was actually kinda nice! ….until I started to forget who I was. Someone from my past came up and asked me what I was doing. Where I went and who I was now. It made me realize that yeah I changed who I was and it was nice but fuck I LOVED who I was before. I’m an angry, raging, fucking fabulous cannonball who tears through fucking everything. I’m a foul mouthed, hot headed, passionate, loving person who would do anything for his friends and family and will tell anyone off if they step out of line. I’m not fucking meek. I’m not fucking timid. The life on the other side of the fence was interesting but fuck it I want explosions! I WANT FUCKING FIRE. LET THE ERUPTION HAPPEN AND LET THE FUCKING WORDS FLOW LIKE PROVERBIAL BOMBS FROM MY FINGERTIPS. I enjoy being explosive. I enjoy being epic. Fuck normality, fuck the mundane. Lets get  rocking! LETS GET ANGRY. I was away for a little while, I was meek and small and timid for a little while. I’m back baby. Lets get this fucking blog back running again and lets get fucking rock and rolling. I am fire. I am a fucking typhoon. I am explosions and earthquakes and volcanic eruptions and cyclones and a destructive force without rhyme or reason. That’s actually a lie. I write for a reason. I write to vent my anger at this stupid shitting evil piss-pile we call a planet. I write to fuel my own fire in order to bring about things that I find fucking outrageous about the world we live in and the life we live. I am way less unhappy with my life. When this all started I was depressed and sad but also angry. Now i’m a little sad but i’m fucking furious. Social norms, War, Racism, Sexism, Ageism, Corruption, Greed, Malice and People. So many things in this world piss me off. Lets cry, lets complain, lets yell and shout and punch fucking pillows and get angry. Lets bitch and moan and you know what? Lets change some fucking minds and make a difference. Believe it or not I always enact the lessons taught in my writings. I will become someone better. I know you will too.

Anger transforms.

I don’t know if I already did one on anger and I don’t really care. I’m doing another one. Vile, Dark, Explosive, Shaking, Blood shot eyes and grinding teeth. Anger seething, raging, encompassing, engulfing, elevating, enlarging, destroying, atomic, breaking, smashing, crashing, anger. I am angry. Right now I am angry. Right now I want to smash walls, break glass, put my fist through wooden planks and cause a scene of destruction. Anger. I am so very angry. I was lied to. I was manipulated and used. I was made to believe I was something I was not. I was lead to believe I was special when I was nothing. Anger. I am so very very angry. Why? Why lie? Why did you not tell me the truth when I asked? Why did you not have the simple courtesy to be honest with me when it called for it? Why? Why me? Why do you have to break me? I’m already so broken, so worn down and tired of everything. I was doing better – I was patching myself together with duct tape and super glue and then you had to become the tool to make sure I break apart again. You. You who I trusted. You who I believed in. You are so very very twisted. You need help. My anger is seething but also confusing. I want to smash but i’m also just sad. The fire I had inside is  now dissipating little by little in exchange for sorrow. Sorrow for myself and you and the other person who got fucked over because of all this. You are so sad I weep for you. You are so twisted I feel bad for you. You are broken. Broken beyond repair. Beyond salvation. You are nothing trying to become something and honestly the way you are now you will never be able to obtain that. I was also nothing trying to become something. I was also broken but I worked hard. I worked hard and am now becoming something. Not much of something but something none the less. I will not and can not have you take that away from me. Anger and sorrow turn into conviction.

I am strong.

I will survive. You will not break me. I am something. Even if that something is very little I am something. I am powerful. I will become something powerful. I am growing up, learning, making myself known. I am becoming whole. I will become whole. You will not destroy me with your tricks and games. I will overcome. I will survive. I will be nothing less than everything I can be. You will not impede me. You and your sad existence, your sorrowful nothingness. You will not taint me. I will not go back to being nothing. I refuse. I refuse to be nothing and much as I refuse to let you harm me. I am steel. I am rock. I am iron. I will not bend. I will not break. I will not faulter.

You have not won.

Even in my angry and sorrow do I wish you well. I hope one day you will grow tired of being nothing and try to become something. Something worth being.

Unfulfilled.

I am doing nothing with my life. I hate my job, I hate that I can’t get a girlfriend, I hate that all I do is sit on the computer all the time and I hate that I’m too lazy and scared to try anything new. I have a fear of success, I really do I mean it scares the shit out of me to be good at anything. I just don’t want people to expect much of me. I just want to be left alone. I like being alone but of course with all my comforts like my dual monitors and high speed internet. I wish I had the balls to DO something. I know so many people who have gone to foreign countries on a whim, seen amazing things and moved out and have lives their lives you know? I’m scared to leave home. I’m scared to go out and try new things. New things can be dangerous, can be scary, can be unwelcoming so nope nope nope gotta stay in stasis. Gotta hide in my hole. I have nothing to offer this world and it saddens me. I wish I could actually just go out and fucking live and fucking have my own place and my own girlfriend and car and fucking DO SOMETHING. Now i’m getting angry. I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of always putting up a tough fucking front to always feel like I get fucking shit on all the time. “You’re cocky, you’re an asshole, you’re harsh” WELL MAYBE IM LIKE THAT BECAUSE I CANT FUCKING LIVE ANY OTHER WAY. I’m a fucking coward. I’m a sick, scared, broken little boy who is haunted by the same shit in his past he was always haunted by. I can’t deal with it like a fucking adult so what do I do? I break. I hide. I shut myself off with music and shows and video games and just stay away from people. I hate human contact. Not like talking to people but touching people freaks me out but I love my friends I just can’t fucking SHOW IT a lot of the time. I hate how I always feel sick, I hate how I always feel like my body is betraying me for my past mistakes. Why can’t I just be fucking happy? Why can’t I just live my fucking life? Why do I always have to have trouble breathing? eating? head spinning, feeling like i’m going to fucking pass out or throw up? Fuck this I deserve better. I’m trying to fucking better myself so why the fuck do I feel like I keep getting the short end of the fucking stick? I just want to be better.

I fucking hate how i’m always so fucking lost.

Lost down the fucking rabbit hole except my wonderland is a fucking labyrinth of failure and not believing in myself.

As usual just let my fingers do the talking. I don’t even think when I write this shit anymore. Also fuck editing.

Dark Places.

We all have them. Lets be honest with each other. There is no absolutely good person in this world. At any moment any one person can succumb to to something that would make them fall from grace. I am a terrible person. This is honesty. I am not a good person by any means. Granted I am better than some but I am definitely worse than others. If there is a hell and although it is unfortunate I am most likely going to end up there due to past mistakes. I am no angel.

Our dark places. I mean think. REALLY think. When there’s an accident why do you slow down to look at it? Why even though your eyes should be on the road you make every effort to turn your head in order to see what happened? Because it’s interesting to us. Because it’s something broken – something different in this world that is always the same. We WANT something to have happened. “Oh it’s just a fender bender whatever”. keep driving, fuck it. “OH SHIT DUDE THAT GUY IS FUCKING WRAPPED AROUND A TREE?” slow down, turn your head, turn off the radio, even take fucking pictures. We’re all a little twisted I think. I think some are just more honest about it than others.

Some people like the order we live in. The world we live in. The plain, the boring, the uninspired and ultimately the safe. Kudos to them! I think if everyone was like that then we would all be a lot better off. Sure we’d be boring as all hell and life would be mundane and uninteresting but hey. We wouldn’t have people doing stupid things for fun because they’re bored. There would be no chaos and no danger. When I stop to think about some of the fucked up shit that’s happened in this world perpetrated by others I look at it and sometimes think…yeah he got what he deserved you know but…did he just do it because he couldn’t take the boredom anymore? What if the reason people break isn’t just because of sadistic desires and voices in their heads? I mean yeah those are huge reasons but what about the people who just break because they can’t handle the fact that everything is the same? That eventually they will die and ultimately be unimportant? That they will no longer be capable of thought anymore? To feel? To touch? To love? What then? What if these thoughts bore down on someone for so long they just…broke? I could see it happening. When I speak of change I don’t mean a nuclear bomb hits and all earth gets wiped out. When I say change I don’t mean a zombie apocalypse happens and we’re all fucked. I mean chaos. Some people want chaos….but believe it or not they want chaos that’s comfortable to them. That’s another thing. Some people are most comfortable and relaxed with the mundane…what about those that are only comfortable and relaxed within chaos? Those people are only trying to be comfortable and make sense of things in their own way. They reach their own conclusion on how to live and their own world to live in. Even if it is pure chaos and completely fucked up.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not defending these people. I could care less about psychopaths or whatever and I think if you do the crime you should do the time absolutely. I’m just thinking out loud here about some stuff that’s been going around in my head. Maybe I think too much. Thanks for reading. I wasn’t angry writing this just a little depressed.

Some issues with aging and other shit.

As I am now 23 many things cross my mind like an old man sitting in a wheelchair. Yes I know I am over reacting as I am only 23 but at the same time I have recently come to some realizations as I get older which are as follows. Who the fuck cares about like 90% of video games anymore? I remember back in the day I was all about games. I loved them, I loved figuring them out, I loved beating them, I loved finding glitches and bugs, I loved the newest systems, the sequels to games I had previously loved, the fun it was to talk with friends over the phone or on MSN about tips and tricks we have discovered that the other might not know yet….and then I turned 23. I say 23 because this is the first time in my life that I have not given the slightest bit of a fuck about the new consoles that have come out.

I mean how old is xbox 360? Lets do a little research. November 22nd 2005 (or so it says on wiki) so I was 16 when that console came out. I still remember the excitement as my friend purchased one, I still remember the excitement as I pressed the middle button, turned on the system and entered the world of Halo. I have bought and sold like 4 of these systems. I then owned a ps3, a nintendo wii and about 4 different Nintendo DS hand helds. So what happened? What happened along the way that all of a sudden when now the Ps4 and Xbox one are out and available I could really just give a fuck about buying or even playing either one? I have a theory.

1. Every single fucking game is like every other single fucking game.

This is fact and I don’t care how many of you are going to say “NO MAN THE NEW FUCKING HALO IS LIKE 34535345 TIMES DIFFERENT THAN THE OLD ONE”. You’re still in space, you’re still a spartan, you still have access to like 80% of the old guns and almost every online game mode is the exact same minus a few. Fuck you, Get over yourself it’s the same shit. The fact that now I can fucking sprint doesn’t make it a brand new fucking halo. WHAT ABOUT THE STORYLINE BRO. Read the fucking books you pud they are 100% more interesting for the plot than the fucking games.

We have seen Mario in like 3000 different fucking titles this shit got old for me when I played Mario 64 for fucks sake now they have him flying through space and in a cat suit and other ridiculous shit that I can only chalk up to being a cash grab. The exception is the paper Mario series. Not the new wii one that’s kind of super shitty the old school turn based one that’s amazing. I like all games like this it isn’t limited to Mario but since I grew up with him it’s nice to see him in a game style that I find always interesting. Yes I am biased and yes you can suck on that because this is my blog.

The new final fantasy’s have all been shit, the last good final fantasy game was 10. Not 10-2 I don’t give a shit about cute girls that game was fucking bad.

Kingdom hearts was amazing the first and second ones I could barely put down. Final fantasy!? Disney!? Real time style fighting with turn based style elements and on top of everything ITS A FUCKING RPG!? Holy shit where these games ever fucking good….then the PSP one came out. Then the GBA one came out. Then about 4534534 other fucking titles for hand helds that even though not totally bad still didn’t have the feel and awesome looking cinematic that I grew to love and worship. Yes I know 3 is being made. Yes I am going to buy a Ps4 if not only for that fucking game.

I could go on for pages and pages and hours and hours on different games but I am going to refrain so that I don’t blather forever. I’m going to end with probably the worst fucking sequel series I have ever seen in my life. Call of fucking duty. There hasn’t been an original call of duty since call of duty 4. Seriously I don’t care how you want to argue it it is the SAME FUCKING GAME. Every single 60 dollar game is a really really expensive DLC package. That’s the series for you.

I think I made my point. Back in the day anyone could make a game you know? Anyone. So many different companies, so many different types of games for NES, SNES, SEGA etc. Some where super shitty and some where amazing but the fact that there was so many unique titles and games out there made everything worth while. It made gaming a wonderful and amazing thing that was shiny and new and never the same because when you went into the video rental store and you would pick a game that was your weekend. Lets play this shit, Lets beat this fucking thing, Lets do this! So many exciting feelings that have been replaced by “Hey you gonna get the new CoD?” “Probably not”. “You going to buy the new Ps4 or Xbox one?” “Eh I’ll wait until it goes on sale.” I mean ultimately no one really gives a shit anymore. You hit an age where you are so fucking jaded that even the newest things seem boring and grey. I fear for myself as I get older you know? I fear that one day i’ll look at the world and see nothing amazing. Nothing new. Nothing worth color. Just everything as shit and grey. It scares me.

2. Mortality.

When you’re younger you think you’re going to live forever. Lets be honest that’s just how it is. We as children love the world because it’s new and we don’t know what it’s all about yet. Life is an adventure. A journey. An amazing thing you know? You have no idea about the world outside your neighborhood until you start school. As we grow we begin to realize we are mortal. We will die. There is no magic pill and no fountain of youth. All that wonder fades and the world becomes more industrial. Get a job, get a wife, get a house, a car and some kids. It all falls in place like pieces to a fucking puzzle and there is no fighting it. If you fight the flow you will ultimately end up getting left behind. What does this do to you? It makes you jaded. It makes you cold and boring. Some people embrace life and death, some people can take mortality with a grain of salt. I am not so fucking noble. I hate the fact that I am going to die and I hate the fact that my entire life is going in the way of a drone on an assembly line. I hate that I have payments to make, I hate that i’m almost obligated to be in a relationship unless I want to be alone and unhappier than I already am. I hate social and financial obligations and I hate that everyone I have come to know and love will eventually wither and die. As I was on video games I have kind of jumped into mortality issues (oh look at the title that’s weird).

3. Fear of being old.

This is probably my biggest issue. I’m done with games and shit we’re going on a different path here entirely by the way.
I hate the fact that I am aging. Thinking of myself in a fucking old persons home freaks me out. Being unable to piss and shit by myself freaks me out, never getting laid again freaks me out, never being able to just decide to walk outside and enjoy the day freaks me out. Yes I know you can still do it but I mean without an aid, or a bad hip, or forgetting where my house is or some shit. That freaks me the fuck out. I wonder too. When I am old and gray like that will I wish for the grave? Will I be so broken and sad that I will want death to take me? That freaks me out the most. I don’t ever want to stop thinking. My mind is my only release from this place. When it goes i’ll really be trapped.

I’m done for today this is going to get continued later as I am already getting more angry than I want to be. I need some rain sounds and tea or something. Later.

Restrictions

I hate restrictions. I hate that I can’t just jump and fly around. I hate gravity and I hate everything else. Why the fuck can’t I run at 100mph? Why the fuck can’t I speak with animals? Why the fuck can’t I jump 100ft in the air? Yes I understand the science behind why we can’t. I understand physics and biology and all those are fucking things that explain why we CAN’T do things. What can we do? We can walk pretty slow, we can operate machinery that allow us to move faster. It sucks the only thing in this world that doesn’t have a restriction is your brain…BUT EVEN THEN WE ONLY USE A FUCKING PORTION OF IT IN OUR LIFETIME. So what the fuck is this bullshit? Life already sucks with the inevitability of death why the fuck place all these restrictions on people too? What kind of sadistic shit is that? I don’t think i’d give a fuck about dying as long as I could do what I wanted and just fly around the world. I will never see the entire world in my lifetime. Ever. That is the stone solid cruel fact. The wonders, The beauty, The interesting things and places I will never be able to visit haunt me. The fact that I will never be able to fly without the aid of an airplane haunts me. The fact that I will never be able to have a conversation with my cat even though I’m going to be spending up to a quarter of my life with him haunts me. This is bullshit. At the same time though I can’t complain too much. I mean one could argue that we walk slow so that we can enjoy our surroundings, one could argue that we need machines to fly so we really appreciate what it’s like up in the sky. One could say we can’t travel immense distances in space so we can appreciate just how vast and wondrous it really is.  One could argue that we are given a limited life so that we can truly appreciate living. See it however you want but I still want my fucking super powers.

Explosions.

Know what life is? it’s a series of explosions set out by one another. One explosion sets of another which sets off another which in the end explodes into everything. We are explosions. Everyday we explode on different things. Things we live for or are passionate about – those are our explosions. We explode with the things we like. That’s how it is. Weird isn’t it? That i’m making a conjunction between good things and explosions? We don’t do that usually. We associate explosions with destruction but I mean really. Just really think about it. Explosions are everyday. Explosions are everything we do. We explode when we feel happy we explode happiness and we do things like hang out with friends or write or listen to music all these are explosions. Don’t get me wrong i’m getting to the latter. To the second part. Explosions are destruction. These are my explosions. I explode with my thoughts, with my anger, with my hate. I explode with the things I don’t trust or don’t believe in. Explosions are my ammunition. This keyboard is my trigger. This blog is my gun. Let us explode. Let us see these explosions and do something. Even it’s as menial as bitching about it on the internet this is our explosion. I hate this planet and I hate the people on it (except a few). I explode every day, every hour, every minute. We explode. We need to explode.If we didn’t explode in one way or another we would go insane. Artists explode by painting or drawing, Athletes explode with the sports they play, police explode with how they uphold the law…and writers explode by putting their thoughts down. I wrote this word for word without any pre thought. It probably made no sense. This is my explosion. Fuck the world, As this blog goes on we’re going to get more and more explosive.